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Erica


Composition and Literature

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So this is the final draft (?) of my short story. I can still make some changes before tomorrow. Feedback is appreciated. and i still need a title. ahhhhhhhhhh.


Christy clasped her seatbelt and turned on the engine. She was already a few minutes late. She planned on getting to the gym at 3:00 a.m., but it looked like she’d be lucky if she made it by 3:05. It took her a little longer to finish her reading.
She checked her bag before she took off and made sure she had her schedule and medicine. Without her schedule she was totally lost; without her medicine she’d fall asleep. She never forgot her pills though. The schedule read:

July 23, 2006
3:00am – 6:00 Workout
6:00 – 7:00 Get ready, get to work
7:00 – 7:45 Answer e-mails, organize
8:00 – 8:50 Period 1, Geometry
9:00 – 11:50 Periods 2 – 4, Algebra
12:00pm – 2:50 Periods 5 – 7, Calculus
3:00 – 4:00 Tutoring
4:30 – 8:30 Coaching
8:30 – 9:30 Dinner
9:30 – 11:30 Grading, planning
11:30 – 2:30am Studying
2:30 – 3:00 Get ready for workout
***2:57 Take Hyoxcin

A routine day. She stared ahead at the dark road. Today she’d challenge her girls to a three-mile run, and she planned on doing it with them. She’d been coaching the girl’s varsity softball team for five years, and this was going to be their best season. They were going to win the state championship again. They’d won twice already, but she needed the third win to really feel like she’d done something for those girls. She had a chocolate chip
cookie seven hours earlier and really felt guilty about it now. She was supposed to set an example for the team. Some example. She sped up a little bit. Maybe she could make it by 3:00.
The center road markings spiked Christy’s eyes like yellow darts. The repetition made her sleepier. After her team set the school record, Christy knew she’d feel content enough to move on. She’d been enrolled in online classes to earn her Masters. She needed more of a challenge and was going to be a professor.
Christy’s head bobbed up and down. It felt like a boulder resting on her neck. She took her Hyoxcin at exactly 2:57 a.m. everyday. It took three minutes for her body to absorb and process the chemicals, and she enjoyed the burst of energy right before her workout. She didn’t know what she’d do without that medicine. It had revolutionized her life. The days flew by. She started taking it five years ago when she started coaching the softball team. Most of the population was now running on twenty-four hour days. Since scientists had found the antidote to one of the defects in human construction, she was anticipating the end of calorie absorption even more so.
Now that she no longer slept, she couldn’t imagine ever going back to lying in bed for hours doing nothing. She had all the time and energy she needed to do everything she wanted to do in a day. She considered herself extremely busy, but with any less activity she was likely to be lazy. She hated that lazy part of herself. It was disgusting.
It felt like her heart was pumping cement. She could feel her pulse beat from her fingertips to her toes. She remembered that she and Deborah’s Algebra classes would be getting together in her room for a small assembly today. Christy hated dealing with her. Deborah was old fashioned, irritable, and always complaining about how tired she was or asking Christy how she found all the time to do what she did on a daily basis. Deborah said it seemed “unnatural” to not sleep. Well, it seemed pretty unnatural to Christy that all of Deborah’s students to came to Christy’s tutoring sessions. Just then the guilt crept into her heart around the tiredness. “Shut up. You’re horrible. Leave her alone,” Christy thought.
She turned on the radio and cranked up the volume. The news channel was already in place on the dial. Now that most people were up all the time, many stores and businesses stayed open twenty-four seven. This affected TV and radio programs. Prime time was all the time. A woman’s voice spoke clearly with a follow-up to the recent deaths in Southern California. It was a terrible and rather strange incident. Within the past month, five hundred people had mysteriously died without any prior indication of illness. Investigators suspected it was a selective and mass poisoning, but they couldn’t explain much about it yet until now.
“The explanations of the deaths in Southern California are still inconclusive. However, autopsies revealed that all the victims had regular doses of Hyoxcin in their bloodstreams. Police are still collecting information, but it is confirmed that seventy-five percent of those victims were involved with the product testing of Hyoxcin in 1999. If you are taking this drug, it is strongly advised that you immediately discontinue its use.”
Christy pulled into the parking lot. She turned off the car and sat in the dark. She’d made it earlier than she expected. It was 2:56. That cookie felt heavier on her
thighs by the second. Today was an important day. There was a lecture on integrals and matrices to discuss. And that assembly. And the run. Too many people needed her today. How could she just not take her medicine? She considered the possibility of the radio announcement being a dream. It was very possible. Maybe it was just a warning from her subconscious. Her doctor wouldn’t give her something that could hurt her. She felt fine. In fact, she felt she was in the best shape of her life. 2:57. She put the small white tablet on her tongue and let it dissolve.
The tingling began between her eyes. Almost immediately Christy felt alert, and she began to focus. She got her eight hours in twenty milligrams. What a relief. Christy jumped out of the car. She couldn’t possibly be anywhere near death. If she needed to stop, it would have to be another day.
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On July 19th, 2006 04:05 am (UTC), ktw_act2 commented:
the fourth sentance- "It took her a little longer to finnish the reading." longer than what.
DANGELING MODIFIER PATROL is my fav job

it really turned out to be an awesome short story though. congrats!
[User Picture]
On July 19th, 2006 12:56 pm (UTC), diederot replied:
ok, i just deleted that sentence. it wasn't totally necessary anyway. i've changed the last paragraph too. made it shorter.
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[User Picture]
On July 19th, 2006 05:44 am (UTC), justatailor commented:
Too many (like 90%) of your sentences are noun-verb, like "She ____ed" or "Christy _____ed." Don't be afraid to spice it up by moving words around.
[User Picture]
On July 19th, 2006 12:58 pm (UTC), diederot replied:
i felt it had too many subject verb sentences when i took it to the writing center. i told the counselor and she said "oh no it's not a problem. if you keep going back and forth between sentence structures it makes the writing chaotic" she also said that the shorter sentences break it up some but to leave it the way it is. christy is also a very cut and dry person so i think it's ok.
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On July 19th, 2006 01:52 pm (UTC), craterchest replied:
I remember my professor advising us to vary between long sentences and short ones. It keeps it more interesting. And more shorter sentences for action scenes.

However, I think the counselor is wrong. Now that Angel mentioned it, it does seem to have a lot of subject-verb structures. Though, again, you can only do so much with 1000 words.

Good luck on turning it in today! You'll get a good grade. This is good material and if it was a longer story, I'd be very interested in reading it.
[User Picture]
On July 19th, 2006 06:13 pm (UTC), justatailor replied:
I'd say the person at the writing center was wrong, but that would be very arrogant of me because I'm not getting a BA in English. I've just always been taught that it's a little boring.

If it makes sense to you, keep it.
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